Chapter 8: Paranoid Parenting
“So many teens have lost the ability to tolerate distress and uncertainty, and a big reason for that is the way we parent them.” Kevin Ashworth
-parents allowing kids to learn independence are more often condemned today and blasted out on social media to intensify the outrage
Ex. allowing a pre-teen to walk the part 3 block from their home in a gated community
Ex. allowing a teen to take public transportation
Modern Parenting:
-the paranoia and overprotection that has become normal features of American parenting
-we all should take reasonable precautions to protect our children’s physical safety
-we should not submit to the pull of safetyism which is overestimating danger, fetishizing safety, and not accepting any risk
-avoiding all risk as kids, to teens, to college students makes them more and more fragile and not equipped to stand in the world on their own as independent individuals
-iGen (born in 1995 and later) are having very different childhoods
-they suffer from higher levels of depression and anxiety
-in response, the rise of safetyism on college campuses has sky rocketed
-modern parenting practices may unwittingly teach children the Great Untruths
-schools co-parent into the culture of safetyism
-there has been a shift to this more fearful and overprotective way of treating children
-there has been consequences to oversupervision which has prevented kids from growing strong and independent
A Parent’s Worst Fear:
-in the news, there is nothing worse then reading or watching a story of a child who has been harmed who was out of the sight of a parent/guardian
-that fear of “what could happen” or “that could have been my child” can be overwhelming
-but isolating a kid out of the fear of being harmed can also be harming as social media has its dark side that can infiltrate the mind of a kid
Actual Versus Imagined Risk:
-parents of iGen were raised were far more dangerous then they are today
-Baby Boomers and Gen-Zers grew up with rising rates of crime and mayhem
-Muggings were a normal part of urban life
-TV brought round-the-clock coverage of missing child cases in the 1980s so it is understandable that American parents grew fearful and defensive by the 1990s
-the new habits of fearful parenting seem to have become new national norms
-today, the extreme forms of safetyism are prevalent
-we do understand a mother’s fear that her son might encounter a pervert in a public restroom
***it would be better to teach the boy to recognize perverted or inappropriate bathroom behavior so he can get away from it on those very rare occasions when he might encounter it
Instead:
-teaching the boy to fear for his life and must maintain verbal contact with a parent every time he needs to use a public restroom
The Dangers of Safetyism:
Past Generations:
-1970s laugh at the safety concerns of today’s parents and to point out when they grew up, nobody wore seat belts or bike helmets, and most adults smoked (even around children), paint and gasoline were leaded, and children were encouraged to go-on their own- to parks and playgrounds, and kids returned home with the street lights came on in the neighborhood
-the tone can be mocking and dismissive of parenting today even though there has been life saving safety measures put in place like bike helmets and seat belts, smoking restrictions, removing lead prevents medical problems and deaths, so they all have saved many lives
***the success of childhood safety campaigns helps explain why modern parents often take a concern about safety to the extreme of safetyism
-when we attempt to produce perfectly safe systems, we almost inevitably create new and unforeseen problems
-safety rules and programs, like most efforts to change complex systems
-protections come with costs, as kids miss the opportunities to learn skills, independence, and risk assessment
“The problem with this ‘everything is dangerous’ outlook is that over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself”
-Antifragile, by placing a protective shield over our children, we inadvertently stunt their growth and deprive them of experiences they need to become successful and function adults
“Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bums out of life for their children. However, parental hyperconcern has the net effect of making kids more fragile.”
***Most parents know this on some level but still find themselves hovering and overprotecting
-the blame for creating the culture of safetyism does not fall entirely on individual parents
-at a fundamental level, overparenting and safetyism are “problem of progress” along with having less kids makes parent hyper-actively engaged in overprotecting children
-parents spending time with their kids is generally a good thing, but too much close supervision and protection can morph into safetyism
-children are antifragile by nature and turns them into young adults who are more fragile and anxious, so receptive to the Untruth of Fragility
***What doesn’t kill you makes you weaker
Pressured into Overprotection:
-most parents condemn helicopter parenting
-many parents want to do less hovering and give their kids more freedom
-this is not so easy when parents are pressured by other parents, schools, and even laws that push parents to be more protective than they would like to be
-societal pressure often prompt parents to engage in “Worst-first Thinking”
-parents are always preparing for the worst possible outcomes
***Good parents are expected to believe that their children are in danger every moment they are unsupervised
Ex. parents who reject overparenting and give their kids more freedom can actually be arrested
2015- 2 Florida parents were charged with felony child neglect when they were delayed getting home
-the son couldn't get into the house so he played basketball in the driveway
-a neighbor called the police
-the parents were arrested for negligence
-the boy and his 4 year-old brother were put in foster care for a month
-even after being returned, the children were required to attend “play” therapy
Ex. parent left her daughter alone in her care while she went into a CVS pharmacy
2014- a passerby called the police who were able to open the car door
-the police reported the child was “responsive” and not in distress
-the girl was 11 years old and she had told her mom she wanted to just stay in the car
***Before paranoid parenting, eleven-year-olds could earn money and learn responsibility by baby sitting for neighbors
-busybodies are monitoring if 11 year-olds need babysitters
-the mother was issued a misdemeanor summons and forced to appear in court
-when the police endorse they type of safetyism, it forces parents to overprotect
Ex. Police Chief in New Albany, Ohio advises that children should not be allowed outside without supervision until the age of 16
***when you combine peer pressure, shaming, and the threat of arrest, so no wonder parents simply don’t let their kids out of their sight anymore
***only reading safe books for safe kids
-at one time most great children’s books involve kids going off on adventures without adult supervision
-for parents who don’t want to put dangerous ideas in their kids’ heads
Ex. Dora the Explorer (can be read but only with a parent)
Class Matters:
-with respect to parenting practices, social class matters far more than race
Define:
-middle class means middle class and above, including the upper class
-working class means below middle class including poor families
Homes:
-children raised by two parents who each have four-year-college degrees and are married to each other throughout their children’s childhood (upper third of the socioeconomic spectrum)
-these families parenting style is “concerted cultivation”
-their task as cultivating their children’s talents while stimulating the development of their cognitive and social skills
-they fill their children’s calendar with adult guided activities, lessons, and experiences, and they closely monitor what happens in school
-children are raised by a single or divorced parent (or other relative) who does not have a four-year-college degree (bottom third of the socioeconomic spectrum)
-these families parenting style is “natural growth parenting”
-working-class parents tend to believe that children will reach maturity without needing much guidance or interference for adults
-children will reach maturity without needing much guidance or interference from adults
-children experience long stretches of leisure time, child-initiated play, clear boundaries between adults and children, and daily interactions with kin
-parents spend less time talking with their children
-parents give more orders and directives
-kids get more unstructured and unsupervised play time
-kids have good developing social skills and a sense of autonomy
iGen:
-college students are acting differently from previous generations
-middle class iGen (late Millennial) students were overscheduled and overparented as children
-working-class kids are therefore more likely to feel like “fish out of water” in college
Anti-fragility:
-severe adversity that hits kids early, especially in the absence of secure and loving attachment relationships with adults, does not make them stronger; it makes them weaker
-chronic, severe adversity creates “toxic stress”
-it resets children’s stress responses to kick in more readily and for longer periods in the future
Moderate Stress:
-there needs to be a balance
-it needs to be buffered by supportive adults
-parents need to know the difference between stress that promotes the development of coping, address challenges, and solve problems
VS.
-children experiencing toxic stress have trouble concentrating, controlling impulse behavior, and following directions
College Campuses Mixture:
-students’ brains are shaped differently
-those bringing with them toxic stress may need different kinds of support as they bring with them all the scars and disadvantages with them
-those bringing with them concerted cultivation have been intensively monitored by an adult so bring a needy sense of security
-they bring very different ways of damage and development
-one may bring underprotected qualities
-one may bring overmonitored and overprotective qualities
***overparenting is probably a much greater cause of fragility on such campuses than is underparenting
Safe and Unwise:
-paranoid parenting and the cult of safetyism teach kids some of the specific cognitive distortions
-parents discounting positives when parents overmonitor
“Any upside to free, unsupervised time (joy, independence, problem-solving, resilience) is seen as trivial, compared to the infinite harm the child could suffer without you there. There is nothing positive but safety.”
-parents also use negative filtering by saying, “look at all the foods/activities/words/people that could harm our kids
***parents use dichotomous thinking: “If something isn’t 100% safe, it’s dangerous.”
3 Untruths: Us vs. Them, Emotional Reasoning, Fragility
-Paranoid parenting: to convince children that the whole world is full of danger; evil lurks in the shadows, on the streets, and in public parks and restrooms
-kids raised in this way are emotionally prepared to embrace the (Untruth of Us Versus Them): Life is a battle between good people and evil people
-this worldview that makes them fear and suspect strangers
-this teaches children to monitor themselves for the degree to which they “feel unsafe” and then talk about unsafe they feel
-they come to believe that “feeling’ unsafe (the feeling of being uncomfortable or anxious) is a reliable sign that they are unsafe (the Untruth of Emotional Reasoning): Always trust your feelings
-feeling these emotions is unpleasant; the feelings are dangerous in and of themselves–stress will harm them if it doesn’t kill them (The untruth of Fragility: What doesn’t kill you makes you weaker)
***these are schemas that guide the way they interpret new situations in high school and college
-they see more danger in their environment and more hostile intent in the actions of others
-they are more likely than kids in previous generations to believe that they should flee or avoid anything that could be construed as even a minor threat
-they are more likely to interpret words, books, and ideas in terms of safety versus danger, or good versus evil,
***college campuses increase of requests for safe spaces, trigger warnings, microaggression training, and bias response teams
***difficult to see how this way of thinking could produce well-educated, bold, and open-minded college graduates
In Sum:
-when we overprotect children we harm them
-children are naturally antifragile
-children today have far more restricted childhoods
-iGen (born after 1995) have been deprived of unsupervised time for play and exploration
-they have missed out on many of the challenges, negative experiences, and minor risks that help children develop into strong, competent, and independent adults
-when children are repeatedly led to believe that the world is dangerous and that they cannot face it alone
-helicopter parenting combined with laws and social norms that make it hard to give kids unsupervised time may be having a negative impact on the mental health and resilience of young people today
-there is a large social class differences in parenting styles
-there is a difference between “concerted cultivation” and “natural growth parenting”
-paranoid parenting prepares today’s children to embrace the the three Great Untruths